Okay let’s be honest here for a second and try to pretend that you actually want to go to a house show. House shows are gross and hot and uncomfortable and way too cramped and usually smell really bad and you paid some guy you don’t know at the door because you felt like you had to. Last time I checked house shows don’t have bathrooms with more than one toilet and they sure as heck don’t have enough ceiling space to comfortably jump up and down when you feel so inclined.
House shows are a nightmare on any house owner and even a bigger nightmare for your poor eardrums because the only spot you could stand is right next to the bass amp. But you also chose that spot because a cute girl is on the other side of the crowd clutching a lukewarm PBR and you are hoping to make some serious strides with some serious eye contact, maybe an eye roll, or some finger pointing.
So your plans fall through with the cute girl because some guy had to “mosh” to his favorite “2-step” part, and you get thrown into some person you have never seen before and have never smelt before until that moment. So the band plays some songs at a volume that you can’t decipher any words. For all you know they could be reading the Bill of Rights in backwards order, and you would still nod your head because all you can hear is the bass and the drums.
So the band ends and between sets you play mental Russian roulette to decide if you want to go outside to watch people smoke cigarettes or do you battle the basement, which is now a sauna, for a good spot for the next band. What’s a good spot at a house show? Maybe the only redeeming quality about house shows is that they don’t play that stupid music over the PA between sets, like they do at venues. Nothing ruins the mood quicker at a punk show than when Metallica comes over the loud speakers and a few dorks air drum to “Enter Sandman”.
So the band that you came to see is up next and you are really excited to see them, and with that first wave of sound you are thankful that the cute girl has left so you don’t have to be embarrassed when you cut a rug to the opening track. But you soon realize that you are one of maybe 5 people in the room that gives a crap about the band and everyone else is watching you or watching their twitter feed so you realize it might be a good time to take an “Instagram” of the show to let people know of the rocking time you had. And low and behold, basements don’t have the best lighting for your social media consumption. That’s the last straw, house shows are a waste of time and a waste of money and they smell and they are way too hot.
You should have known that the scene is dead.
by Andy Wilcox (@wilco204)